Journey

How to have a successful marriage

5 Talks

What really are the factors that contribute to a satisfying marriage/relationship? Is it Love, Commitment, Trust, Time, Attention, Communication, Tolerance, Patience, Honesty, Respect - or all of these and more. Come on this journey of 6 videos with Sadhguru, where Sadhguru shares a unique perspective which is bound to bring a fundamental shift in the way we look at the institution of marriage and set the foundation to have a successful marriage.


Preview

How to have a successful marriage

3:49 min

How important is marriage? Are you confused about marriage?

See you need to understand the institution of marriage. It's about bringing a certain sanctity to the simple, basic needs that every human being has. There are physical needs, there are psychological needs, there are economic needs, emotional needs, social needs, variety of needs. To fulfill all these things we set an institution called marriage where all this can be conducted in a sensible manner.

See you need to understand the institution of marriage. It's about bringing a certain sanctity to the simple, basic needs that every human being has. There are physical needs, there are psychological needs, there are economic needs, emotional needs, social needs, variety of needs. To fulfill all these things we set an institution called marriage where all this can be conducted in a sensible manner. Otherwise, if we did it on the streets like every other creature, it would turn ugly for us and we would feel not good about it. So to bring some sense of organisation, some aesthetic, some stability because man and woman coming together naturally brought fresh life. It is, compared to any other creature, it is the most helpess life which needs maximum amount of support. You could leave a puppy on the street. As he long as he gets food, he grows up into a good dog, no problem. But not so with the human being. He doesn't need just physical support, he needs variety of support and above all, a stable situation. Whether there should be marriage in society or not one will debate when they are 18 because physical body is asking for freedom. Alright. At that time everybody questions, is marriage really needed? Why can't we just live whichever way we want? But when you are 3 years of age, you valued marriage immensely, a stable marriage immensely, isn't it so? Yes or no? Again when you become 45-50, you are 100% for marriage. Between 18 and 35 you are questioning the whole process. Because, where the physical body is dominant, at that time, if you give in to that then it will question every institution. This is hormone fired freedom, okay? Your intelligence has been hijacked by hormones. So, you question the fundamentals of everything. I'm not saying marriage is the thing. But do you have a better alternative? If you have a better alternative, damn the marriage. But you have not come up with a better alternative because a stable situation is a must for a child. Once you have a child, it's a 20 year project. Your whims and fancies will change, your emotions will change. If that is what it is, don't get into such situations. It's not compulsory for everybody to get married. It's good, you are saying people are thinking whether to get married or not, I'm glad. It is not necessary for everybody. But if you get into it, especially if you get into children you must understand, it's a minimum 20 year project whether you like it or you don't like it. Otherwise you shouldn't get into those projects. You don't walk into a project, drop it half way and walk away, isn't it? It's your choice, but at least choose consciously. You don't have to get married because everybody is getting married. You don't have to talk about marriage or divorce in the same breath. As if they come together. Why should you ever talk about marriage and divorce in one breath? It's a crime.

3:39 min

Arranged marriage or Love marriage – which is a better?

Marriage is not about how it happened, who arranged it. Your parents arranged it, or a commercial website arranged it, a dating app arranged it, or a local bar arranged it when you were fuzzy. Or your confused friends arranged it, or your confused self arranged it. Well, anyway, it's an arrangement.

Marriage is not about how it happened, who arranged it. Your parents arranged it, or a commercial website arranged it, a dating app arranged it, or a local bar arranged it when you were fuzzy. Or your confused friends arranged it, or your confused self arranged it. Well, anyway, it's an arrangement. It is best it is arranged by responsible, sensible people. This idea, arranged marriage means some kind of a slavery. Well, that depends. As there are exploitative people everywhere, sometimes your parents themselves may be exploitative, they may be doing things for their own reasons. Their stupid prestige, their wealth, their nonsense. They may be doing it for those reasons. So, this whole debate about, is arrange marriage better or meeting in the local bar is better. Well, I think when you're not little for doubt, I think your decisions are little better. If an 18-20 year old man or woman, young man or young woman want to marry, who will they marry? Their contact is just there. Within those 10 people that they know in their life, one guy or one girl you marry. Within 3 months you will know. But in most countries, there is a law, at least 2 years you must suffer. It's like a jail term. If you make a mistake, at least 2 years you must suffer. Then only you can divorce. Most nations have this. Well, many religions have fixed it that divorce is completely wrong. You cannot divorce. But, where such religions are practiced, there the divorce rates are highest. So, God's dictates are not able to stop the break ups. Law is not able to stop the break ups. You need to understand this, when parents organize, you must, I'm asking you a basic question. Do you believe, their judgement may not be the best, but parents have the best interest of yours. But if you have matured beyond them, that's different. You can make your own decisions. But, arranged marriage is a wrong terminology. All marriages are arranged. By whom, is the only question. I think it's best it's arrange by people who are most concerned about your well-being. Who have a larger reach of, because you can't find the best man, or the best woman in the world. Because we don't know where the hell they are.

2:54 min

Are marriages made in heaven?

You need to understand, to fulfil you needs. Physical, psychological, emotional, social, and various other needs. You're coming together. If you always remember to fulfil my needs, I'm with you, you will conduct this responsibly.

Where all they've been saying marriages are made in heaven. But you're cooking hell within you. Marriage is made in heaven. That's why a lot of people want to go there soon. Because it's made there, they want to go there and settle it. No. You need to understand, to fulfil you needs. Physical, psychological, emotional, social, and various other needs. You're coming together. If you always remember to fulfil my needs, I'm with you, you will conduct this responsibly. Initially you're like that. After some time you think, he or she needs you. Then you will start acting vanterly. Then, of course, ugliness will start in many different ways. This happened. A young man and a very young woman got engaged. So once the, not like this, there must be a stone. Once the ring went in, the lady held his hand and said, "You can lean on me to share your pains, your struggles, your, whatever sufferings you go through. You can always share with me." The guy said, "Well, I don't have any struggles, or pains, or problems." She said, "Well, we're not yet married." So, if you think you're full of pain, struggles, problems, and you need somebody to lean on, well that'll be trouble. You make yourself into a joyful, wonderful human being, then you will see, your work also will be wonderful, your home also will be wonderful, your marriage will be wonderful. Everything will be wonderful because you are. Without fixing this, you think somebody else is going to fix you, then there's going to be trouble for you. And of course, an unfortunate consequence for the other person.

4:06 min

How can a modern woman become an ideal wife?

You can't become a good wife based on how your mother became a good wife. Situations have changed, expectations have changed. It's not in the stomach anymore. For some it's gone up into the head, for some it's gone further south. Yes?

So, your mother, your grandmother, how they made good wives. Largely it was believed the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Now today your husband will call Uber Eats and whatever quick picks and this and that and Swiggy and whatever. Alright? So you can't make a good wife based on how your grandmother became a good wife. You can't become a good wife based on how your mother became a good wife. Situations have changed, expectations have changed. It's not in the stomach anymore. For some it's gone up into the head, for some it's gone further south. Yes? And, according to contemporary needs, not how your grandmother did her marriage. You can't do it that way because expectations and situations have completely altered themselves. So if you hold somebody who is your friend, and who is your need. You must understand. You're in this relationship because you need. Maybe the other person also needs, but that's from their side. As far as you are concerned, you made this relationship because you need it badly. Isn't it? If you understand, and you're always grateful for this, that somebody is fulfilling all your need, you would handle it well. You wouldn't make a misery out of it. But now you think somebody else needs you, then you'll make a mess out of it. So, you don't do that. Essentially, what husband and wife means is, because you are not geared. Most people are not geared. Very few people in this world are geared to make this journey of life all by themselves. They're organized enough within themselves, totally. They never feel anything missing in their life because they have made themselves like that. But, most people need somebody else to lean on. Either emotionally, psychologically. There are needs in a human being. Physical needs, psychological needs, emotional needs. Maybe, social needs, economic needs, variety of needs. To fulfil these needs, you want to find one person that you can depend on. Because it's very difficult, you want to find one person with whom you can share everything that you have. Your body, mind, emotion, and it works. So this is the idea. Finalizing it so that everytime you get little, some little friction, you don't fall apart. So little tying up, so that things don't fall apart very easily, alright? Nothing else. The biggest mistake humanity made was, they started saying marriages are made in heaven. That's why it's such a mess. Much done here. If you see, marriages are made between us. And we took responsibility for who we are, or we could've made it work. The damn thing is made in heaven. Not suitable here because it's alien stuff. Everything is a mess because you think it's made elsewhere, by somebody else. If you understand it's made by you for your well being, to fulfil your needs and your purposes so that you can go through this journey of life with least amount of trouble and friction, then you would handle it more responsibly. Isn't it?

3:59 min

How to handle an irritating spouse?

You seeing something in a certain way, is not about them. It's about you. Do you want to keep your eyes, your mind, your heart, your body pleasant or unpleasant? You make up your mind on that one.

This question is from Deepika. Sadhguru you said in one of the darshan that you are, you should treat everyone just as you treat me. Sadhguru you are a Karuna-avatar, but I have one inhuman, nasty creature in my home. It becomes difficult to see you in him. How to deal with him in this situation? In how many years of marriage does this evolution happen? Or it's a devolution. I'm sure he was a wonderful, romantic wonderful man at one time. I don't know in how many years of marriage does he become a nasty creature. And how much role you have in making of a nasty creature. See, especially if he is nasty creature, especially, if it is so, this is your perception. But, especially if somebody is a nasty creature in your home or in your office or wherever you are. You seeing something in a certain way, is not about them. It's about you. Do you want to keep your eyes, your mind, your heart, your body pleasant or unpleasant? You make up your mind on that one. Now if you look at him, I said even that nasty creature, please look at him it's like me. I am not telling you that you have to listen to his teaching or take new practices from him. No. I am saying, if you have looked at me with a certain sense of reverence, devotion, love, affection, whatever is your emotion. If you have, please see everything with that because all I'm saying is, you have a body, you have a mind, you have emotion, energy. We're talking about your emotion right now. If you hit a certain level of sweetness of emotion at one point in your life, either because of your love or devotion or compassion of whatever, you hit a certain level of sweetness, this is the high point in your life. Now you should not come back from that, you must see how to go beyond that. I am saying, whatever was the highest or the sweetest or the most wonderful emotion, you have, make that the baseline. Why are you coming back again? If you did not know such an emotion, then what would I tell you, which is the sweetest emotion you had in your life? My child. Okay see, everybody as your child, we've told you that at one time. Then I saw you sat here with tears of blissfulness and love coming out of you, then I said see everybody as you're looking at me right now. Because this will make your eyes, your mind, your heart, your body, and your very being sweet and wonderful. This is not about him. Especially if he is being difficult, then you are being well trained, even if you go to hell you will do well.