Questioner: Namaskaram Sadhguru. Why is there so much pain when a relationship breaks? I’m not able to move on because it has left a vacuum in me.
Sadhguru: Do you see, right now the fundamental life process within this body, it doesn’t need – it is interdependent, it is bound to be so. The physical nature of your existence is interdependent – you have to eat food, you have to breathe, you have to drink water, so many things, you need services – maintenance. But that which is generating this life seems to be a complete process by itself. It does not need anybody’s support – is it so? Do you think so? Do you feel so? Hmm? Yes, or no? It is so.
So, what is it that makes you in such a chronic need of another person? It is the nature of your thought, your emotion, maybe at a certain stage in your life, even your physical body. Now, physical body is one thing, you did not make it. You will see, if you as much get very interested in a book – you’re reading a suspense thriller – all your physical needs will disappear. Have you noticed this? Hmm? You’re just reading one trashy suspense thriller, but that’s enough – 2 hours you didn’t think of food, this, that, all the physical needs are just gone, isn’t it? So, very easily it can be transcended, if you wish to. I’m not saying you must, but if you wish to. The physicality can be mastered very easily, it’s not such a struggle.
Now, the problems of loss are essentially psychological and emotional. So, the psychological structure of who you are, at least the psychological structure of who you are, should be crafted by you, isn’t it? If you craft your psychological structure, would you make it into a miserable possibility, or a blissful possibility? If you did craft – I’m talking about what you intend for yourself, what you intend for your neighbor may be debatable. At least what you intend for yourself is not misery – no human being does that.
So, obviously you did not craft your psychological process, or the psychological structure consciously, the way you want it. Now, does it mean to say, ‘poof’ if it drops tomorrow, I’m not bothered, I’ll go on with life day after tomorrow. No, no, no, no, it’s not about that. It is just that, you must live in such a way that you’re willing to die for somebody right now. But if it so happens that they died tomorrow, not you, they died, you must be able to gracefully go ahead with life. But today you must live like, you’re willing to die for this person, genuinely so. Otherwise, there is no sanctity to life.
If you make this into a logical calculation, “After all, I’m an independent piece of life, why do I need anybody?” – your life will become utterly ugly. You must live like, “I cannot live without you.” But tomorrow, if it so happens – that’s tomorrow – if it so happens that person disappeared, either death, or he became free, or whatever – then you must see, this is an independent piece of life. But today if you see it, your life will become ugly. So, people are not able to get this distinction; either they become ruthless philanderers, or they become so sappy and lost, they’re not able to enjoy their relationships.
Most relationships are only – they know some joy only in the beginning; after that, it’s one continuous complication and pain for most people, unfortunately. This is because you have not understood the nature, you have not experienced the nature of this one! [self] You’re trying to understand the nature of that one – it’s never going to happen. If you have a wonderful relationship, most of the time it’s because somebody else is wonderful. Bad way to live, isn’t it?
You must have a wonderful relationship with everybody around you because of who you are, not because of who somebody else is. This is the choice you have – you can either let the world live under your shade, the comfort of your shade, or you can be always dying to get into some shade. That’s the choice every human being has.