Questioner: Namaskaram Sadhguru. There are many young people who end their life because of failed relationships. Why does it happen and what can be done about this disturbing situation?
Sadhguru: People unfortunately, unfortunately, are ending their life for various reasons. Even children have started committing suicide. Children, below thirteen years of age, committing suicide – this is not good at all.
But if people are ending their lives because of a relationship, if you’re talking about a Romeo and a Juliet, who… who were in a certain state of romance, that they felt it’s better to die for each other, than to live for each other. If they had lived, we don’t know what all would have happened. Many things can happen, you know?
Unfortunately, many great relationships do not always come to a great ending, because either by suicide or by natural causes, one of them will die. But emotions flared up to a point where you want to take your own life – which is better than wanting to take the other’s life. Yes! When people, their emotions flare up, some people want to take the other person’s life. Some people want to take their own life. Taking your own life is not a good thing, but little better than taking another life, no? Because you have no business to decide whether other should live or not.
So, leaving the jokes apart, it is terrible that people who have known each other for so long, people who seemed to have understood each other, people who have shared many wonderful things between them, turn so nasty with each other. Not everybody may commit suicide, but many, many people become super bitter about each other.
This is because, fundamentally because you want the other to serve you in some way. When that is denied to you, you get mad. So, you want somebody else to share. The moment this idea enters, you must understand you have sown seeds of conflict. When it will flare up is a question of situations. Everything needs a situational support. But if you are thinking that the other person should be the source of joy for you, or whatever else for you, then someday it will turn bad. Whether it goes bad in a outwardly way, or it rots inside and continues forever, is another thing. But it will go bad.
Relationship, first of all – I don’t know when you got so Westernized, that for you today, the word relationship means it must be a body-based relationship. Why? There’re various kinds of relationship. Do I hold a relationship with all of you right now?
Participants: Yes.
Sadhguru: Not of the body but it’s still a relationship, isn’t it? So, in this country, when we said “relationship” some time ago – except for those of you who come from cities now – when we said a “relationship”, we meant our parents, our brothers and sisters, our friends, maybe a husband, maybe wife, maybe children, maybe variety of relationships. But today in the world, you have reduced the word “relationship” to this – relationship means between two bodies, something with the body. This is a very poor way of understanding a relationship. This is an American import. I’m sure Mumbai and Delhi has taken to this big-time. The young people on the Facebook have taken to this.
But if you go to Chennai or Coimbatore city, and you say relationship, they’ll ask “Which relationship” Because we have many kinds of relationships. We have business relationships, we have brothers and sisters, we have friends, we have parents, we have spouse – variety of things. But in your mind, it’s become like this. Relationship means between a man and a woman or maybe today… so many other things. Whatever, but essentially body-based. What this means is, you are regressing. You think no relationship is worthwhile unless two bodies are in some way connected. Either by the umbilical cord or otherwise, in some way it must be connected, only then the relationship is valuable. This is a regressive step.
First, I want you to change the meaning of a relationship. There’re variety of relationships we can hold in our lives and let it be so. So, you are essentially talking ten-fifteen years, means a physical relationship. Physical is not the only relationship. There’re many other kinds of relationships a human being is capable of. Physical relationship only for other creatures. They’re not able to connect any other way except their body. Yes? Yes or no? Other creatures do not know how to connect with anything, unless they connect with their body. A human being is capable of connecting in many different ways, not just of body.
Now, this [self] is not a relationship of body, this is not a relationship of blood, this is a relationship of light. Never in my life do I have to even come and touch you, but still there is a profound relationship. Yes or no?
I don’t know how many years you’ve been here [at Isha Yoga Center]. I hope you won’t commit suicide because of your relationship with me. I’m sure you won’t. So, when you make it so body-based, the interest in the body will go after some time. If you keep body as the forefront of your life, initially it may be an attraction. After some time, it doesn’t matter how you are shaped, people will get bored of you. I want you to know this. Unless you bring in other dimensions of being human, things may go wrong. Things may go wrong for a million different reasons, all right? But this bitterness of wanting to kill the other or wanting to kill yourself… Killing yourself may happen out of helplessness, not necessarily out of hatred. Anger and helplessness can lead to killing ourselves – not a pleasant thing.
So, before you make any relationship, any kind, you must establish this. “In how many ways, can I contribute to the other person?” If this is the only goal – “Oh, but Sadhguru, if I go on contributing, if they don’t give anything?” then you don’t have a relationship. You have taken marketplace into your home. How to get more? How to give less, and get more is a marketplace, isn’t it? In the marketplace it is considered smart, if you give less and take more. If you want a genuine relationship, it must be how you can pour yourself out and doesn’t matter, because it’s in giving there is fulfilment, not in taking.
“But Sadhguru, if they exploit” – then you should not be in a relationship with such a person, yes? Now, “But I can’t help.” What does it mean? You have your needs. To fulfil your needs, you have gotten into it. You must be just grateful because somebody is fulfilling your needs. No. Actually, you went there to fulfil your needs, but now you act magnanimous as if without you they cannot live, and things will go bad one day.
When things go bad, you want to either kill them or kill yourself. Not necessary. Death will come anyway, yes? You just have to wait. For everything else, you have to do something. To die, you just have to wait. Everything that you pick up – your wealth, your home, your relationships, everything –something that you picked up on the way and you will drop on the way. Either you will drop it or they will drop it. There is no need to make it into such a bitter nonsense. You can step back and make some compromises. But, “No, how can I make a compromise? I cannot.” If you cannot bend, you have to break, isn’t it?
Because relationships were formed to fulfil your needs, yes or no? If you understand this always, you will have gratitude, not anger, not bitterness. All that’s happened is change of scenery. If you still have so much love for them, you must compromise. If you have no love for them, you must move away and do your own stupid thing, isn’t it? Yes or no? If you have love for somebody, it’s worth compromising every damn thing. If you have no love for them, it’s best that you move away, because otherwise it’ll become obscene. Being in too much proximity without the necessary lubrication of love, will make situations very obscene. Before it becomes obscene, it’s better distance happens.
So, if you think you really want to put a world between you and the next person and you want to kill yourself, I would say, “Why don’t you wait?” because anyway it will happen. What’s the rush? And you may do great without the other person, who knows? Give it a chance and see.
