Questioner: You know, it’s like a button these days that you get to meet someone, you fall in love and then you say, “No, this is not the right person,” and now you fall with the person or other. So, what exactly is true love, and can real love really happen twice, thrice? So, I was really wanting to understand this.
Sadhguru: See there is something called as love, and there’s something called as a relationship, all right? Relationship happens between two people. That’s a different matter. It’s a transaction of a certain nature. What level of relationship? Unfortunately today, if you utter the word relationship, people are thinking all body-based relationships only. No, if you have a brother or a sister, you have a relationship with them, but this doesn’t mean it’s body-based. You have parents, you have relationship with them; you have friends, you have relationship with them. Well, you have all these radio people, you have a relationship with them. All the people that you talk to, you have a relationship with them.
So, it is not necessary the word relationship has to be hijacked by only body-based relationships. But unfortunately, that’s how it is being used in this generation. It was not being used like that when we were growing up. But today, a relationship means people think you’re having an affair with somebody. So, a relationship is a different matter, because it involves two or three or ten people. Right now, all of you have some kind of a relationship here. This is a group of people having a relationship, a family is a group of people having a relationship, all right? So, that is a transactional matter.
Love is what happens within you. Relationship is something that you do in the world
Transactions can go right, can go wrong, you know. Any transaction, however well-cultivated it is, sometimes it goes wrong, sometimes it goes wonderfully well because in transactions, two different people or ten different people are involved. Even if the transaction is only between two people, the rest of the world in some way is participating in that transaction. Many times human relationships are destroyed not because of the two people, because of the third, fourth person somewhere else, who will do something else to it, okay. So these things happen.
But now talking about love, let’s separate love from relationship. Love is what happens within you. Relationship is something that you do in the world. What you do in the world is always subject to various forces. Whatever transaction we do in the world is subject to various realities. Once you’re involved in the world, something happens right, something doesn’t happen right, because there’s a whole lot of management. People think relationships are all about love. No, relationship is an enormous amount of management. If you don’t manage it, it will die. If you don’t manage it, it’ll crash.
Love is what happens within you. This is not subject to external forces
But love is what happens within you. This is not subject to external forces. But right now, people are allowing it to be that way, unfortunately. But actually what happens within you, the sweetness of your emotion should not be determined by somebody else, isn’t it? What happens within you must be determined by you. What happens in the world, you can’t determine everything. You have some role, but there are so many people playing a role in that. Or if there are two people, the other person also has a 50% role in that. So, how they will take it, what will happen, situations, variety of things are there. But what happens within you must happen the way you want.
So, what you call as love is something that happens within you, but unfortunately, people have told you, “Love is in the air.” That means it’s a polluted air. It must be in Delhi. Even Delhi is having pure air these days, that’s what they’re telling me. I’ve not been there though for some time. So it is not in the air, it is something that’s happening within you. Your emotions have taken to a sweet form for whatever reason. So, now you’re using an external stimuli, you’re using the other person as a key to turn your emotions sweet.
I would like to give you a key where you can turn your emotion sweet by yourself without anybody’s help. Are you interested? That you keep your emotions always sweet and the key is in your hand. Once you give the key to somebody else, only anxiety will happen, “What will happen, what will happen, what will happen?” Most love affairs are like this. Only first few days it is joy, after that only anxiety. Some, total disaster, all right. It depends on how much sense they have.
But essentially what happens within you must be determined by you. What happens around you in the world is never 100% determined by you, let this be understood. You can never, ever determine what happens around you absolutely by yourself. Even if it’s just two people, you cannot determine that because the other person will do their own thing. If somebody has the key for this, not you, sometimes they’ll open it, sometimes they’ll lock it and throw away the key.
Then you say, “Love is a disaster!” Love is not a disaster. Relationships can always become disasters unfortunately, but it need not be seen that way. It is just that sometimes human relationships will not work. Not necessarily between a man and woman, this and that, even between brothers it will not work, between sisters it will not work, between parents and children it will not work, between friends it will not work. Is it not true? In so many ways it doesn’t work.
But now when you have this unrealistic idea that somebody else should create sweetness of emotion within you, then you will definitely torture that person. Definitely that person will be missing tomorrow morning. So, this must be understood, love is your prerogative. You must be loving. What does it matter – Who is here, who is not here, what does it matter? Your emotions being sweet is very vital for the blossoming of the individual that you are. If you want to grow in your intelligence, if you want to grow in your capability, if you want to function in the world in a most effective manner, your emotion should be always sweet.